Letting Go

Why do some couples stay together and live in the same household but lead separate lives?  They sleep in separate beds, eat separate meals, speak only out of necessity and can’t stand the sight of each other. It’s difficult having to face the fact that your intimate relationship with your partner no longer exists. The resentment that begins to develop between the two can and often does turn from anger to hate.  Neither wants the other to have anything and both are willing to sacrifice their own happiness in order to keep the other in misery. Most times when couples find themselves at this point, they have built up so much contempt towards one another it is unclear even to them why they continue to hold on. Make no mistake, they are both behaving selfishly. There really is no reason for anyone to choose to live in agony over peace. Falling out of love doesn’t happen overnight. There are usually telltale signs for us to see should we wish to acknowledge them. By staying focused and in tune with your partner even if the relationship is over, there is still the possibility of salvaging the friendship. And a friendship with someone you used to love is a lot better than living in a stressful environment that could very well damage your health both mentally and physically. Everyone deserves happiness, unfortunately for some of us happiness means letting go…

Friendship

In a perfect world there would be a universal definition of the word friendship. Everyone would have the same understanding and a person could be charged with breaking the law if they violate it. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. Friendship is an unexplainable emotional attachment we share with certain individuals. A member of the love family, it’s a non sexual attraction we have with someone that makes us feel good inside. No one knows why we feel such a strong kinship toward some individuals and not others but when we feel it we would do just about anything for that friend and when we lose it, like losing a love – it can be devastating. When a friend turns on us often times we don’t know why. One minute you are the best of friends and the next minute they hate you and all that you stand for. What you thought was friendship has now turned into hate. Bewildered by the turn of events we often find ourselves confused and can’t understand why a friend would betray us yet we hear of this happening time and time again. You can’t make someone love you when they don’t and you can’t make someone be your friend when they won’t. There are those who have a fear of abandonment and are unaware they have it.  They are so accustomed to people in their lives leaving them, instinctively they will sabotage a relationship without understanding why themselves. We have to accept responsibility in the choices we make in friends. Look at the history of that person, do they bounce from friend to friend to friend and now have a hate relationship with each person? True friends are special and if you are ever lucky enough to find someone who understands the same definition as you, hold on for dear life because a true friend is hard to come by.

You have an inner circle group of girls that you consider to be your Ride Or Die Chicks. All of you have been friends for many years and hang out together quite often.  One evening you meet at your usual place but this time something’s different, there’s a new face at the table.  You look and it’s a girl you knew from the old neighborhood.  She went to school with all of you but you never liked her because she was messy. Instead of being Middle Schoolish, you remind yourself you are all grown women now and proceed to enjoy your evening.  The next day you’re glad you were open minded because she wasn’t so bad.  You even add her to your social network.  Several months and several outings later she begins to act distant.  She’s not socializing with you as much as she did when you first added her. She acts standoffish at the get-togethers and has a negative response towards everything you say.  You and the rest of your crew can not figure out why girlfriend is tripping. Then one evening while you’re at home with your man he says he has something to tell you.  Apparently your “old friend” contacted your man on the social network and told him confidences you’d previously shared with your girlfriends.  Not only did she tell him what you said but she’s been sending him pictures of herself and asking him out to dinner. You’re speechless. He informs you she’s been doing this since becoming friends on the network.  In other words, you invited her into your world and she went directly after your man. He thought ignoring her would make it go away but it’s escalating even though he clearly indicated he’s not interested. As badly as you want to, you can’t kick her ass because you’re a respectable adult so instead you do the mature thing and call her on the phone to ask her why. She basically tells you you don’t deserve him. You tell her your friendship is over and not to bother joining you and your friends anymore. She tells you all of you are stupid bitches anyway and she can’t stand any of you and hangs up.  Convinced she’s crazy, eventually you are able to go to sleep.  Several hours later one of your girls call you to tell you to check network.  There for the world to see is all of your business. She has not only put you on blast but added a bunch of BS to boot. Here’s what you don’t do.  You don’t lose your dignity and self respect. In a perfect world you could have that dumb bitch locked up for violating a friendship but in our world you simply delete her posts, you and your man block her from your network, ignore all her calls and live your lives.

If We Want Better Men We Have To Raise Better Men

Single mothers raising sons are responsible for the way those sons treat their women and their children. Bringing multiple partners around our sons will teach them that women are loose and can't be trusted. Fighting with a man around our sons will teach them its okay to beat on women or to accept abuse by women.  If we want our sons to respect women then we have to behave like respectable women.  It is so disappointing watching the women who appear on television yell and scream at the younger women claiming to have children with their sons.  They call these young mothers horrific street names and scream at them “It’s not my son’s baby!” Come on now where is the sensibility in that? Please stop defending the bad behavior of your irresponsible son(s).  We have to plant a seed in their head that it is not okay to make a baby then ignore the child. We have to break the cycle. As mothers we are the first teachers. If we want better men we have to raise better men. It is very important when teaching our young men about the use of condoms to tell them to look long and hard at the woman they are about to have intercourse with and ask themselves if they really want a relationship with her and her family for the next 18 years, because that is exactly what they’ll have if they get her pregnant. We need to explain to our sons that unfortunately people don’t always choose the right mate for themselves, then let them know if the relationship with their child’s mother does not work out, the relationship with their child/children must remain strong. We can’t go around pissed off at the absent father’s of our sons then raise our sons to be the same way. We can’t get mad at the family members of our sons fathers for treating us like crap then turn around and treat the mother of our grandchildren the same way. As single mothers we might not be able to teach our sons how to be men – but we can teach them how to be the kind of man we like.

I’m Sorry

When we get mad it’s usually because we’re hurt. Someone has done something to us and we’re mad at them for doing it. Eventually the anger subsides but the hurt could remain for a very long time. Unresolved conflict makes it difficult for most of us to move on because usually the issue has not been acknowledged. As children we learned that I’m sorry makes most things better but as adults we’ve become somewhat desensitized to it. Like most conditionings, repeating something over and over becomes routine and thus loses its value.  For some of us, saying I’m sorry has indeed become routine and could be recognized as another way of saying whatever let’s just move on. An apology that’s sincere and heartfelt is more likely to have impact on us and our interactions with each other. By directly identifying the conflict and personalizing the issue, we make it possible for acceptance to be received and assist all parties involved in moving on. Saying I didn’t mean to hurt you…. I’m sorry I made you feel that way… I didn’t mean what I said – all go a long way in making the other person and yourself feel better.

The Passing Of A Lady

When I heard the news about Elizabeth Edwards I was saddened and filled with sorrow.  I’m always saddened when I hear about someone passing away whether I know them or not.  I usually say a silent prayer asking that they be received with open arms. But with Elizabeth I also felt sorrow and I couldn’t understand why. Then I started thinking, prior to about a year ago I couldn’t have cared less about her. I wasn’t impressed with her and I definitely was unimpressed with her husband.  But then that nasty little scandal became public fodder.  I remember when I first heard about him cheating and thought, what a pig to put her on blast like that.  She was married to him for a long time, was the mother of his children, was going through a troubling medical condition and he can’t keep it in his pants. I felt for her.  Then the news came out about the baby, wow, she must be devastated.  All of a sudden I cared about her. We were kindred spirits in the world of women and I felt bad about her public humiliation. Her situation touched me even though I have never been placed in that predicament. I just thought….he should have been more discreet. I never became a groupie or anything like that.  I didn’t follow her life or read her book.  I did see her on Oprah and as she told her story – I felt sorrowful.  Which brings me back to her passing, I now understand my sorrow.  She was a woman who dedicated a lot of her life to a man, was treated unkindly and in spite of the unfair treatment – she remained a lady. I truly will miss her.

Can You Handle The Truth?

Isn’t it an amazing feeling when you meet someone and the two of you click right away?  You talk and talk for hours completely blown away by how much you have in common.  You laugh at corny jokes and you’re comfortable with how well you get along, so much so that you share dirty secrets you really shouldn’t tell. Then one day you catch a lie.  You don’t say anything because you think to yourself it’s not a lie it’s just a mistake so you let it go.  Soon after, you catch another lie. Once again you let it go because everything is going so well. You find yourself ignoring that little voice inside you that tells you there are too many inconsistencies with this person. Pay attention – you’re in denial.

Now you start questioning the lies to try and decipher fact from fiction. The only problem is now they are denying they said the lie to begin with.  Pay attention – they can’t remember the lie they told before so they have to cling to the lie they’re telling now because it’s fresh in their memory. So - now you find yourself arguing what you know to be the truth. They are insisting they never said it and you know they did.  You think you’re losing your mind. To make matters worse, to take attention off them they bring up your dirty little secrets and you are now defending your actions from another situation and have completely stopped focusing on the initial confrontation - their lies!  Sound familiar? STOP THE MADNESS!  Here’s what you know.  They are a liar – period. Stop driving yourself crazy by trying to force them to confront what they will forever deny. You’re either going to continue the relationship with a person you know is a liar or step away from the bullshit and move on.

Acknowledging Your Relationship

Being in a relationship is easy – being an active and willing participant who wants to be in that relationship is something different. You cannot make your partner happy if you are not happy just as your partner cannot make you happy if they are not happy.  When people in a relationship love each other they don’t try to hurt one another. They don’t try to mentally and emotionally break their mate down nor do they act insensitive to their partner’s feelings. Not all relationships are built solely on love.  Some are joined out of necessity, some are for convenience and some are like business transactions. Many of us end up with partners we need instead of being with partners we’re in love with and while it is acceptable to join with someone for whatever reason works for you; it’s important to acknowledge to yourself your reason for being in that union. People usually strike out and hurt others because they are not happy with themselves. If you try to kid yourself into thinking you’re in it for love when you’re not, the relationship won’t work and a lot of people will probably end up hurt. If you are honest with yourself about why you are with your partner you won’t feel as if you’ve betrayed your heart. Your conscious would be cleared and you’ll be able to respond to any difference that come up between the two of you with understanding and not with anger and bitterness.

Is That An Appropriate Outfit For Your Young Daughter?

Why do some women bring sexual attention to their young daughters? There are elementary school girls wearing see through tops, tight jeans and heels. There are also mothers who actually purchase thongs, boy cut panties and bikini panties for their middle school daughters. What is the big rush to sexualize these girls?  Just because stores sell matching bra and panty sets for little girls does not mean we have to purchase them.  These young girls are given sexy clothing then told not to think about sex. This action is disturbing on so many levels and sends out mixed messages to children who are already at hormonal conflicts. You can’t allow your child to guilt you into making improper purchases or allow her whining to dictate your common sense.  Don’t be afraid to tell your child the outfit she wants is not age appropriate and she can’t have it.  If she becomes upset – so what! They are only girls for 18 years then for the rest of their lives they will forever be women.  Why not teach them that good things come to those who wait and mold them into womanhood instead of throwing them into it.

Are You Giving Off The Wrong Signals?

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Words Matter

Is your mate a bully?  Do they batter you with words knowing they are hurting you and pushing your buttons yet continue until you are ready to explode? Do they hide their bullying under the guise of “it was a joke” even though they knew exactly what they were doing and enjoyed doing it? Most of us are taught that if we ignore bullies eventually they will stop - but they don’t.  They usually continue until they get a response and no matter what response you give, they will always find fault with it and make it appear as if something is wrong with you when it’s really their own insecurity. It’s not unusual in an abusive environment for one person to single out another for abuse just as it is not unusual to engage others to participate in that abuse. Psychologically you feel imprisoned but you don’t have to remain that way.  You can be freed.